I’m a wreck

Friday, I made my decision to send my beloved Quizz over the rainbow bridge.  The rectal mass had become hugely enlarged and was causing him considerable pain. It was becoming impossible for him to have a bowel movement.  Colostomy bags are not something that can be used with a dog. The vet and I had a detailed discussion, the surgery option was risky due to the location and all the vital nerves and blood vessels in the region. It had no guarantee of making his life better and greater potential to making his life considerably worse.  It became a question of quality of life versus quantity. If I could have fixed it, I would have given everything I had to do so.

Doing the right thing has never felt so bad.

Oh, and the hot water heater gasped out its last hot shower on Sunday morning. I do not approve of cold showers. Thank goodness it’s summer and I won’t die of consumption due to the cold.

I’ve decided every time I put forth goals, God laughs and asks me how badly do I want it?

At the moment, I’m not prepared to answer Him. The want isn’t in question, because I will hit my end goals. I’m just a little hollowed out with the events and need time to heal.

Quizz with Charlie, the cat, watching his back.

Wait for me (Leila Gaskin)

How do I say good bye when I’m not ready but it’s the right thing to do?
How do I make sure ‘I love you’ isn’t just an epitaph?
How do I know I’m being kind, not selfish?
How do I know my faith in more than this life is truly real?
How do I not succumb to the pain when I see that empty space?
How will I say ‘I love you’ again?
I won’t say goodbye, I can’t.
I’ll simply say ‘wait for me on the other side’
It’s the best I can do.

Quizz – 2004-2013 – He was a Very Good Dog who was Loved. He was my friend and my companion.

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12 comments

  • Many hugs, Leila. The decision you made is never an easy one, and we often second guess ourselves long after. Quizz was lucky to have found you in this life. To be well-loved and cared for. You are in my thoughts today.

    • Thanks Kathi. It’s been a rough weekend. Charlie, the cat, has been alternating from demanding an explanation to not leaving my side. Quizz was loved. I take solace he’s on the other side with my dad. I grew up with miniture schnausers, but I really think he always wanted a larger dog. 🙂

  • Oh, Leila, I’m SO SORRY. *hughughug* That’s a very hard and brave decision to make. 😦

    • Thanks Leona. I miss him. Charlie is trying hard to become a dog, I keep telling him he is a better cat.

  • My condolences Leila. That’s always a tough decision and one my wife and her parents had to make a few years ago. Your poem at the end was a beautiful tribute.

    • Thank you so much. This was one of the most difficult decisions I’ve ever made. I was blessed to be able to say goodbye and it was a peaceful passing.

  • So very very sorry my friend. My heart aches with yours at the loss of a good friend and companion. Know you are not alone and you can tell me Quizz stories any time you like. Love and hugs.

    • Thanks Kimberly, you know I’m always willing to share a Quizz story.

  • I am so very sorry for your loss and water heater situation. I am praying for your, lady.

    • Thanks Yolanda. He was an amazing dogs. It’s funny how dear our fur-kids become.

      We had a wee plumbing minion helping his daddy tonight. There is hot water in the house.

      I won’t dare the universe, it has already proven ready to take the dare.

  • You have my sympathy, Leila. I was no longer living at home when my parents had to make that decision with my childhood dog. So far, I haven’t been able to bring another dog into my life. Maybe when my husband and I are retired and not moving so much. I hope you can take comfort in your memories of those wonderful years together.

    • Thank you! I know this sounds weird, but I feel him around. I guess he’s keeping an eye on me. I am comforted by the fact he knew he was loved and he loved me. They take up so much of our hearts. When they are gone, the hole seems to fracture everything. But, it’s the memories that fill in the cracks, soothing the pain, and fill in the hollowness.

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