Creativity vs. Feeling Crappy

A couple of years ago, I received a diagnosis that put a face to the myriad of weird symptoms I’d been suffering from for years.  I had to find a doctor who could and would connect the dots. My general practitioner (who never told me I was a hypochondriac and is AWESOME), was determined to help me puzzle this out.  And we did.  I was diagnosed with Lupus.  I don’t reveal this for sympathy.  For me, having an explanation for my symptoms and overall health issues is priceless.  However, that doesn’t preclude me from dealing with the ups and downs of the situation.

That brings me to feeling crappy and being creative.  It’s hard to be creative when exhaustion, constant fluey symptoms (without the virus), light sensitivity and headaches plague me.  That being said, I’ve become better at recording my thoughts and ideas (yes, I have an app for that 🙂 ).

I’ve been blessed in so many ways, this entire experience has taught me to say ‘no’, budget my time, and steal any moment I can to write.  I have to be careful not to overextend myself, I WILL pay for it (click here for a great article about Lupus and its impact). I work hard to find my balance and create a world that I can function in. Lupus has focused my world to the priorities.  My priorities are pretty simple – work, write and get the basics done.

So, I write. I edit. I say no to things that would be fun to participate in, knowing I’ll not be able to keep my eye on my prize – telling my stories and getting them published.

I have dreams where I have boundless energy, I’m running so fast and fulfilling every dream of mine. Then I wake up.  Sometimes, it’s heartbreaking.

So, I work at boiling everything down to its salient points.  My world is only limited by the physical.  Mentally?  I get hazy, but the mind is very much working hard. I still try to leap buildings in a single bound, instead of taking the elevator.  I push myself – I want my old life back, when I felt like I could conquer the world. I’m down for a little while, but I’m not out.

Creativity is born from adversity and life experience.  I’ve got that in spades. I count my blessings that I’m here, making my goals. I’m not down for the count, I’m just the tortoise instead of the hare.

If memory serves me right the tortoise won in the end.

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23 comments

  • I just checked but we don’t have anything for Lupus in The Therapy Book. It unusual for there not be something within holistic medicine for a disease. If you find anything that helps, please do let me know.

    Wishing you all the best,

    John

  • The race is not over yet. And yes in the end the tortoise is the winner! ^^ Blessings Leila!

    • Thanks! I don’t mind being a tortoise. 🙂

  • Glad you have your priorities and a good attitude. My mother had lupus and my aunt has it too. It’s rough and tough and I admire your perspective.

    • I still have my screaming meemee moments, but I strive to stay positive about it all.

  • Wow, Leila, can I ever relate to this, especially after having spent the third night in a row where every movement I made woke me up rather painfully. I get tired of waking up exhausted (pardon the pun) and in pain. My spine is degenerating, and I suffer from fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and a whole host of other health issues. It is difficult to be creative some days; and especially the days where it doesn’t matter how much we want to participate in life, our bodies just aren’t cooperating.

    Staying optimistic and positive through meditation and learning to be gentle with myself – especially on good days, where I’m always so tempted to overdo to compensate, really helps me to get through. I also love to listen to classical or inspirational music.

    Kudos to you from another tortoise! Hang in there, and know that you are not alone. Sending you prayers, love and light, and the wish for a lovely day. ~ Julie xox

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s been a journey. I’m definitely learning the precious lessons of moderation. I have a dear friend, who is also afflicted with CFS, Fibro and a couple of other life altering events. She is an example of perseverance and positive attitude. Sending all the positive vibes to you too!

  • Your strength and drive is awe inspiring. 🙂

    • I’m all a blush. 🙂 You are equally awe inspiring. I love your art.

  • C. B. Wentworth said it so well! We don’t know how much strength we have until we are truly tested. And you are strong!

    • My thanks. Strength comes from determination and a willingness to seize what I can. I’m of the opinion, you’ve got the same strength.

  • Sending you virtual hugs and healing light…

    • Thank you!

  • Pingback: Close your eyes. Connect the dots from memory. « xlalalalisax

  • “Creativity is born from adversity and life experience.  I’ve got that in spades. I count my blessings that I’m here, making my goals. I’m not down for the count, I’m just the tortoise instead of the hare.”

    This is such a great statement. I find that my writing is best when the trials of life are the strongest. I love the reference to the tortoise and the hare. Isn’t it comforting knowing that the tortoise wins in the end! I love your writing!

    • Thank you so much for visiting. I hope you come back often. I look forward to your own adventures.

  • One of my eye openers was what Paul says in Hebrews 12:1 “let us run with patience the race that is set before us.” I never thought of running, patiently. I’m sure those that run long distances, marathons, etc, can relate better.

    But running always meant being in a hurry, making the run to catch the bus, running to a meeting, running, running…and being able to. Since my own diagnosis of CFS and Fibromyalgia, etc, I’m learning more patience with myself and my life. Just because it isn’t what it was doesn’t mean it can’t be good.

    Go Tortoise! Go! Patiently.

    And know you are loved, my friend.

    • Where do you think I learned the value of being a tortoise from! 🙂 You’ve been the best example! And you are loved too.

  • Pingback: Wreck This Journal: Close your eyes. Connect the dots from memory. « xlalalalisax

  • One of my favourite singer/writer/actresses has Lupus – Maurissa Tancheroen. She’s married to Joss Whedon’s brother, and they write for tv together – they’ve done “Spartacus” and “Dollhouse” episodes, as well as writing and recording songs together. She blogs and often talks about the struggle of living with Lupus, particularly when the treatment is as exhausting as the condition.
    I take my hat off to you.

    • Thank you my friend. I’ll find Maurissa’s blog. Lupus is not for the feint of heart. People who have been able to balance life, lupus and everything, inspire me.

  • Kinda gives me motivation to get working on some of my endless projects

    • Perspective helps us get our stuff done. Thanks for stopping by.

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